It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to...

  Leslie Gore, sports-fans. She sang that song, then went on to live a tough crummy, little life then met with a bad end.  She was in the news briefly, within the past decade.  Maybe you read something about her.  Well today, like Leslie Gore in her song, I've got my own boo-hoo list, but at 11:16 AM, EST I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

     Please God, will you have my Dr. return my call sooner rather than later?  I really mean it.  God, it's not like other bad days:

• my feet are burning, after cramping until 4:00 last night;
• my back is in spasm, and it hurts to sit, but I'm a brave little soul and managing just now;
• I can't deal with both problems right now;
• I'm wicked tired from lack of sleep;
• My prescription for Actiq hasn't yet arrived;

You know and I know that this list is really much longer, but I can't stand writing it.  I can live inside this list, like a turtle in a shell ( jeez it must stink in there). Yep, that's what I can do.  And yes it does stink inside this crummy little shell of self-pity.  You know how embarrassing it is to write this junk.

     Or I can post to my page (done)

     Mail a package for my wife (Done within the hour)

      Write an email or two (one of them will definitely make me feel good, because it's just the right thing to do--done within the hour)

      Leave myself off of my prayer list today, except to say thank you (Does it still count if I don't mean it?)

      Watch something by Samuel Fuller, maybe Shock Corridor; or Sam Peckinpaugh, Who Knows I might go wild and watch Preston Sturges movies, NO NO. Billy Wilder: I'll watch The Apartment loving fully certified nutball, Shirley MacLaine.( done a little later)

      Jeepers I could take a nap. 

      I can watch my eldest catch, she's the catcher, her softball game.  She's a junior, but is co-captain of her High School team. They play in a pretty competitive fast-pitch league.  The games are usually tight, barnburners (1-0, 4-2 you know) she's really smart, too.  750's on all of her SAT'S.  She doesn't want to attend my alma mater, but I think she could get in.  STAY AWAY: A FATHER BRAGGING ABOUT ONE OF HIS KIDS!!

Ah, another list. This too, could go on for ever.

I feel better already.

God Bless you all.  Thanks be to You!

Comments

i just wanted to write and say thank you for being so honest. I have been there, many many times, in so much pain for hours or days at a time. Praying to god so that he knows that this time it feels worse than it has ever been before. Making up analogies to try and describe how I feel(like your turtle) that never quite grasp just how bad it really is.

I live alone and have no help and I always keep it all to myself.

Thank you for being braver than I and for writing down how bad you feel even though it is embarassing to do so.