Sex and Love, III

      The body of this article is taken almost directly from two women who responded to my first Sex and Love post.  The first message is in italics, the second in bold. To all of the mean who've responded to these articles and want to form a group, password protected please, subscribe to this site. I'm thrilled that there are so many of us who are working to overcome the same challenge, but of course I'd be a lot happier if there were no challenge at all.

     Again, please subscribe and watch the site. It's murder trying to keep this organized. If you're having trouble subscribing, drop me an email at [email protected]. Within the next week or so, I'll send each of you a private email with a location, password and log-in, and user name. Informality and fellowship will be the intended themes of our first discussion session, but if it goes in another direction, so be it,

     FYI, the female responses slightly out-numbered the male respondents.

     Here's the gist of the emails below. One of the women is deeply suffering, and the other has found ways to make her sex life work. What do you think?:

    

I have been with my husband for 23 years.  The kids are finally out of the house (for now at least) and I've had this blasted condition for 2 years as well.

I don't know what to tell you.  I just don't feel like making love when I'm taking strong pain meds.  If I don't take my meds I'm in too much pain to even consider it.

I am very much in love with my husband and I think he is very attractive.  He's just wonderful to me and I feel so guilty about everything.  I can't do the housework, I can't do the yard work, I can't do all of the cooking anymore and now I don't want to make love either.  I wouldn't blame him if he left me.  I don't think there are any magic answers for this.

I would like to say that with patience and understanding this will all go away but I don't think that's necessarily true.

If anyone comes up with anything to help with this part of our new lives, I would be very interested to hear it. -Writer unknown

Contrasted with:

Hello again ,

I will be checking out the info you sent me. I believe I will want to share in all you mentioned ... Author, comments, and as for the sexual, I know it is different for the women with arach, but I would be very happy to supply my experience as a woman on your site/blog. I read your post about you and your wife and felt such compassion for you both. Me and my husband have a great sex life. BUT I do not always get the feeling either. But I know the importance of keeping you husband satisfied in that way. He feels guilt, I feel it. But I am there and sometime the aggressor if I see he has had a stressful day. If he is fulfilled I am given satisfaction. To me, I don't care if it hurts, I want this man happy. And when I do have the honor of feeling it is like no one else could ever know. I have always been different, but in this I have had up to 21 .....okay, orgasms in one 'meeting' with my husband. It is unheard of, but I just think I save them all up and when they come they come in large doses! For a woman, we are so different with sex. Anyone can have sex, but making love is what we have. There is much intercourse, yes, but just touches, I love you's, hugs, feeling secure in who we are to each other is far beyond that act. I will say women do need fulfillment as well. But there are so many options, Colin. Use your imaginations. You said the kids were out of the house, do things fun and crazy. If you need ideas ask me, but I won't embarrass us until you do ask. I do not mind sharing. And I want your marriage to be so wonderful and fulfilling no matter what it takes to get back there. But then again, don't look back, look forward to what can be. It's not over, you just need some other input. New ideas. Do not give up. Surprise her each day with something she wouldn't expect. Whether it's a wildflower bunch tied with string, a massage. Go for the feet. Use lotion. It is heaven! I will stop here... So glad you are optimistic about your arach, we do all have to find ways to deal with it. Life goes on and I'm not letting it pass me by! I want it all. I may have pain during the process, but I deal with it. And by the grace of God I continue on.

Dear ____,

     We really do have so much to share, and could be more help to one another if we all just communicated better.  The note at the top of this email was posted to my web site. Your letter followed shortly thereafter.  I don't know who sent the message you just read, but I know you can feel the writer's pain.

     You were kind enough to share openly with me. I think the content of these missives will be helpful to the group.  I've "scrubbed" them both and would like to post them side by side Anonymity will still be preserved--the content of your letter is your property, so I have no right to use it without your permission. I would like your permission, but understand completely if you'd rather that it not be publicly posted. Please note, there is no reference to you, your email, and I've removed anything that will make the content of your letter clear that you wrote it.

     I wish to use it only in conjunction with the first letter with the intent of enlightening those who choose to suffer that their suffering is a choice, not an inevitability.  God Bless,

     Ps. Obviously, I won't do anything until I hear back from you.  If you "pocket veto", don't respond, I hope that our line of communication will remain open.

Comments

[Al]

Well, I am glad someone who has chronic pain has a love life. I have none. Won;t have one either. After 7 or so major surgeries most serious spine surgeries, I developed adhesive arachnoiditis (google it!) a severe spinal cord injury that carries with it some of the most torturous pain around. Over the last year it has spread into my brain and extremities (as if my entire spine were not enough territory to be captured by horrendous pain).

My wife, after living thru my surgeries 1-4, finally threw in the towel on our love life, ten years ago, when I had to have 3 MORE surgeries back to back to back (followed with a rear ending from a careless driver), only to be capped off by adhesive arachnoiditis, an incurable disease I was given by anesthesiologists and their damnable neurotoxin nerve blocks..

She has stated ever since then the end of our love life is my punishment for my disability, for all the surgeries, my inability to work so she can retire. Like it was my idea to have all this go wrong. YAda yada. So, not only is it incredibly painful, as of the last 10 years, lovemaking is simply not going to, and has not, happened.

This life is bad enough as it is. When you have this kind of injury and this kind of pain, and this kind of debilitation, it is bad enough on the spirit, and rough enough on personal esteem. But to live without any overt form of love, or any form of sex, only multiplies the stress of the situation.

For those who are lucky to have a mate, male or female, who cares about loving and love-making, or giving pleasure, it is certainly a major plus and a great accomplishment. For the many of us who have no such situation, and never will, it only makes a rough situation rougher.