The Pain Scale...Before and After Science

     Which hurts more:  a Ford F-350 loaded with manure running over your foot or taking a muffin tin out of the oven barehanded?  Which hurts more, being hit on the head with a claw hammer, or bashing your thumb, splitting the its nail to the cuticle with a claw hammer?  A migraine everyday for the rest of your life, or a root canal without Novocaine? 

     Doesn't the body run to the rescue in moments of intense pain by shutting down, so that you go into shock?  I can't even remember the most intense pain I've ever felt, but I do remember, vividly, the spinal headache I suffered for 4 days until I got a blood patch.  Of course the cause of that headache, a myelogram, took place on a holiday weekend.

     Here's my new pain scale, for the less evolved members of our species.  I think it's much more accurate, although less scientific than the current version which assigns a value of "10" to the "worst pain you've ever felt."  This method assumes that one was conscious while that pain occurred and doesn't assign bonus points for duration of pain.

     10.  Post surgical stab wounds and pain from surgical paws pushing organs and stuff around in your body.  7 core pain points, 4 duration points, and a possible 1 indignity point=10-11.

      9. A sunburned walk across a hot parking lot covered with granite chips at the beach, while carrying beach chairs and an umbrella . 6 core pain points, 2 duration points. If the heat from the asphalt causes those wavy heat lines, add a point.  If you drop the stuff you're carrying, subtract one duration point, add one indignity point.

     8. Dental work without Novocaine.  6 core pain points, 2 duration points.

     7. Poison Ivy. 3-5 core pain points depending upon where you scratched and spread the infestation, 3 solid duration points.  I know this is a high rating for poison ivy, but think about it; that's why the faux-objective scales don't work.

     6.  Broken bones. 5 core pain points, one "itch" point. Subtract one point if you remove the cast one week before it's due to come off.

     5.  Home dentistry, bone setting, or stitches.  In my experience, I've done okay with bones, but they've healed crookedly.  All 3 ill-advised practices begin with 5 core pain points, and under no circumstances, except dangerous dosages of Advil, can this number be lowered.  Home stitches are almost always higher.  Home dentistry is messy and in all cases I've experienced, rapidly approach 10.  On that subject, trying to pull my own tooth with a Leatherman in the men's room at work. went straight to a ten when the torque from the device shattered the tooth.  Collateral pain damage rippled through the office, and while it can't be quantified, can also not be ignored.

     4.  More than 15 stitches. 3-4 core pain points, 2 solid duration "itch" points.

     3.  Any procedure performed by a physician preceded by the phrase, "This may hurt", is an automatic 3 core pain points.

    2.  Burns, metal filing splinters. 1-2 core pain points, 1-2 duration points.

    1. The question, "feeling any better today?" when asked by the same person who asked yesterday. 1 core pain point, 1 duration point, but subtract a point because the person really does mean well.

     This is a rough draft in the sense that I've made no effort to make this a universal list. It's personal.  The point I wish to make is the variety of flavors pain comes in, and the idiocy of asking a patient to use as a reference the "worst pain they've ever felt".  For me, that "worst pain" is a discography, a truly medieval test.  It's the one when the anesthesiologist says, "You're not going to like me after this procedure."  And why would that be?  "Because it's my job to keep you awake, out of shock, for the next two hours."

     When you hear that, it's going to be 2 hours of bad road.  God, in his mercy, has blanked from my mind what that discography felt like.  All I remember is that I was awake, it was 2 hours, and may approximate hell. God Bless, Colin

    

    

Comments

[Gimpy Mumpy]

Brilliant post Colin. I find the traditional "rate your pain from 1-10" pain scale terribly lacking especially for those of us who have experienced such a vast array of pain in all it's forms.