...Kathy still found time to send this hilarious post:
SUMMARY OF THE PAST YEAR ON MY
COMPUTER
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one
about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now use a wet towel
with every
envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a
sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and
AOL are sending me
for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has
granted my every
wish.
I no longer
eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like
a water buffalo on a hot day.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an
email to seven of my friends and make a wish within
five minutes.
I no longer drink Coca Cola because I've learned
that it can remove
toilet stains.
I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone
along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat
when I'm pumping
gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under
God" on their
cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes
cancer.
I now know that I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore
because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me
for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with
a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don 't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will
ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls
to Jamaica ,
Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will
change once I
receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now
have their recipe.
Thanks to my many internet friends, I can't use
anyone's toilet but
mine because a big brown African spider is lurking
under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to the great advice, I will never pick
up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a
sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000
people in the
next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will
land on your head at
5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your
back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next
door neighbor's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
PS: A South American scientist from Argentina ,
after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient
brain and sexual
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the
mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Thanks, Kathy. God bless, Colin
From the title of your blog, I'd welcome a comment on my post on health care. People like us usually have our share of horror stories.
Posted by: Paul Maurice MartinP | September 24, 2007 at 01:40 PM
OMG that's hysterical!!! HAHA!
Apparently I have insignificant brain and sexual activity though :( damn!
Posted by: JC | September 24, 2007 at 11:13 PM
Dear JC,
Don't Despair! You are in our thoughts. Kindly, The Team at Chronic Pain Lifestyle
Posted by: Colin | September 25, 2007 at 10:10 AM